How to Get Your Mind Blown

Oshe Bunny has been a lot of places, but in the path of Totality viewing was one of his top faves of all time. Because his eyeballs are glass, he was able to sneak a peek beneath his safety goggles. Because he is sentient, he wept uncontrollably when the mind-blowing corona appeared.

He was lucky enough to have fantastic Eclipse hosts in Burlington, lakeside. He cheered and bawled and cheered, and had a lot of local beezers and gluten-free, vegan Bitchin’ Sauce.

Snow, Mud, and Taking the Good with the Bad

So much happs, Dear Reader, where to start? 

With snow of course. This week’s unexpected dumping was the usual: exciting, beautiful, good for some, bad for others, a source of pre-storm grocery store pandemonium, and a ton of work. Those that made it to the Maple Open House Weekend during the prior storm had a gas. People got there by foot, snowshoe, truck, or with snow tires still on their car. Yo, don’t try to keep us from our maple, Mother Nature.

A local plowing guy casually tossed off, in passing, how his rig had gone sliding sideways down a road, with him at the wheel. This reminded me of when snowboarding was brand new. My friend Harry and I were on skis at Okemo and a posse of young snowboarders flew around and past us, wicked close, like paparazzi. One ran over my skis. “Sorry,” he murmured. Harry said, “Ann, I just saw your whole life flash before my eyes.”

So I asked the plow guy if his life had flashed before his eyes. He replied, “No. I spend a lot of time in this truck. I pretty much know what it can do.” And if that’s not a Vermonty sentiment, I don’t know what is.

Because I got snowed in with shoveling to do, I had time to question the usefulness of my sad old bod, which used to shovel snow like a human windmill. Those days are gone, alas. Aging in Vermont is not easy. But then, living here offers basically a free gym membership, so there’s that.  We take the good with the bad.

Post-storm sun on the sparkling blanket of white cheers us greatly. Articles in The Atlantic and elsewhere are asking why everyone seems so down lately, when statistics are solid in the US in terms of unemployment, the stock market, interest rates, and many changes under way for the general good. One answer is that we’re all unaware of how badly COVID affected us. And as a local merchant put it, “There seems to be a general sense of malaise. I’m not young and I feel like I lost two years of my life to COVID. Plus, people started treating each other badly before that whole mess, and haven’t reverted back to good manners.” 

I couldn’t agree more. My grandparents would be appalled at the way people speak to workers in stores and restaurants, to customer service on the phone, to their neighbors, teachers, employees, bosses—you name it. 

A friend blamed social media, calling it “antisocial media.” Which is a disgrace. At times it’s like a virtual boxing ring with people slugging away at each other to no good end. Why? Why bother? Do you think the person you’re pounding is going to change their mind? Spit a tooth out and go, “Wait, Carol. By God, you’re right!” Do you think the like-minded spectators hanging onto the ropes, cheering you on, will think highly of you for more than the 4 seconds it takes to read your assault? I don’t get it, man.

Because I wrote a book, I have no choice but to be on Social. I just took a reprieve for a month – bliss! Back in it while snowed in, I found “doom scrolling” an utter chore. 

Except for … the reasons people went into there in the first place: video of a backcountry skier wearing a GoPro who happens upon a lone snowboarder literally buried alive, and frantically digs him out. What are the odds?! A monkey hears a trapped kitten’s cries and does its damnedest to rescue it from a drainpipe. Then lovingly grooms and hugs it! Interspecies love in all its forms: delicious. 

It’s ironic to me that a skier saves the life of a snowboarder and animals of all kinds care for each other on the same page as one Facebooker hammers away another (lit. or fig.). I guess we just have to, again, take the good with the bad.

There are at least four good reasons, in addition to The New Rudeness, why people are down. But if I list them, they will only distress Dear Reader. You know them anyway. They are why I avoid the news, beyond startling headlines that materialize on my phone. I’d much rather read Ski Chatter online and learn hilarious lingo, such as “beaver balls” and “death cookies.” I’d rather laugh than cry — or fight. Wouldn’t you? The Interweb: good and bad.

Shortly, Mud Season (“Mud VI”) kicks in anew. Just hoping everyone can make it to maple shacks and the other treasures that are the Good of mud season. I remain hopeful. As well might you? Good (with the bad) day.

Another Snow Oddity

You’ll never guess what this is, so I’ll just tell you.

Years ago, a neighbor kid was practicing casting his fishing rod out in the yard. The fishing hook got caught way up, in a dead tree branch. He got his line free by yanking hard enough to break the brittle branch. Since, a little piece of that broken branch has hung from a piece of fishing line attached to a higher branch.

I do not understand the dynamics of what happened. But I do welcome unsolved mysteries in nature. Whenever I see the broken branch twirling on the invisible fishing line, seemingly hovering in the air, it cracks me up. It really cracked me up after yesterday’s storm — the snow piled high upon it, the fishing line invisible as always. I may be the only person who knows it exists. I’m definitely the one that appreciates it most.

My Favorite Easter (Spring?) Decoration Ever

Would you call it a centerpiece? I do precious little entertaining at home.

I didn’t make it. People who know how to entertain did. The vase is 1″ high.

What Do You Call This Thing?

This is the second one I’ve seen this winter. The snow recedes and leaves a … creature. This one is about 3″ high. If you know what it’s called, please report in.

I know what a snow devil is. That ethereal being, hard to capture on camera, is similarly rare and magical.

If you photograph it at the right angle, it looks like it’s floating. Maybe it is. I think it’s going to your house. This one is a bit of a Rorschach test. Tell me what you see?

Another Chance to Ski Vermont

Another solid dumping, two feet expected by 2 a.m.!
Or maybe you’re a birder. Git your binos on?
If you look closely, you will see 3 birds frozen in flight — always weird.
Oddly, this photo was not converted to B&W.
Also of note: this article in The Atlantic says crows are moving to the city.

Self-Publishing: Are You Up For It?

It is harder than ever in publishing, as it is in music, to get The Industry behind you. Finding a publisher with a promotional machine ain’t what it used to be, unless yours is a real niche book or you have 1M followers on Instagram. So you may think: DIY. Why ever not? 

I’ll give you the facts. My background: I educated myself at a Writer’s Digest Conference, I lived the entire process, and promise not to candy-coat it here for Dear Reader.

Self Publishing Is A Retiree’s Game – Unless You Have Wads of Cash

Two reasons: time and money. There is so much to learn, so much to do, to get your book published and into readers’ hands, that it will eat all of your time, or you’ll pay someone else to do it (or have free, techy grandkids). Even if you do a ton of work yourself, it will cost you plenty. You’ll need an editor, proofreader, cover designer, website, blog, business email address, email services provider (e.g., MailChimp), time and money to drive to bookstores and libraries for sales and readings. You’ll build an email list. And 27 other things. But first, you write.

Writing Can Be Isolating

When I wrote my book, I thoroughly enjoyed it. I wrote and edited before and after work, all weekend, and at 3 am.  It was easy! As they say, you have your whole life to write your first book. I’d penned reams of notes.  But: I saw no one, I did nothing. I was a rock, I was an island (nod to S&G). Really, I don’t mind being alone, to a degree. But I was forever scrambling to meet deadlines, alone. Which brings us to publishing and promoting.

The Publishing Part

Writing is just the beginning. You can publish a slim volume at your local printer. Printing a larger book this way is prohibitively expensive for most. The cheapest way is to do Print On Demand (POD) via giants Amazon and/or Ingram Spark (the latter libraries and bookstores use to order books). But hey, Amazon sells 85% of all books. Your book is in an Amazonian virtual bookstore! This is all beyond complicated. Which leads us to help me.

Get A Publishing Service Company

An entire industry sprang from the heinous process of getting your book uploaded to Amazon and Ingram properly, and promoting your book without getting fleeced, so you don’t put your head through a wall in frustration. Few people have time to learn to do this on their own. Publishing services companies can be terrific or horrid. They cost $8-12,000 dollars. On to the selling.

Getting Your Book Out There

Distribution and Marketing and are massive topics. I gave a one-hour summit talk on it, speaking New York-fast, with zero time for Q&A. For sure, you’ll want to sell on Amazon, although some independent bookstores will thereby refuse to carry you. They detest the Amazon, understandably. Marketing your book requires learning several forms of social media, which keep changing, and a whole lot more. Even with a publisher, these days you need to promote.

Oh, and If you hate doing your taxes, wait till you write a book. 

But If You’re Willing, It Will Change Your Life

When you get your first printed copy, you’ll cry.

You’ll learn Social, or more than you already know.

You’ll meet independent bookstore owners, librarians and book lovers, who rock.

People including yourself will think of you as an author, because you are.

Complete strangers will read and praise your humble tome.

Your book could get re-Tweeted (re-X’d?) by a celebrity and your ship comes in.

Do I have another book in me? Only if I have a publisher or magically become retired or rich. Other writers persist and publish entire sets, and do well! These are typically genre writers (bodice-rippers, fantasy, sci-fi) and they love their lives. So there’s that. Bon aventure.

One More Day of Free eBooks OH BOY

https://www.instagram.com/reel/C20pswbPvY-/

But you can always sign up for my email list at http://www.annaikens.com and WIN A PRIZE. Mention Speedy Spoo for extra credit/favoritism.

2 More Days for free eBook Downloads

Again, free downloads all week at the Amazon. Use the free $0.00 eBook at upper right, not the Kindle download. Sign up for my e-list at www.annaikens.com and win a Prize! And my undying LERV.

Seemingly Endless Self-promotion

Tomorrow is Day 3 of 5 days of free eBooks on the Amazon – click the $0.00 eBook on the right, not the Kindle one. A REVIEW would be righteous! Join my email list at annaikens.com and win a PRIZE. I’ll show you Friday why this unflagging self-promo is interesting. PS Spot the Speedy Spoo!